I want to monopolize that safe place, not wanting anyone to touch or interact with it unless it's people I don't mind doing so. I know it's not going to be undiscovered forever because all over that place is a warm comforting light invisible to most people and eventually, everyone will turn around and realize it has been there for a long time, generously offering unconditional kindliness.
I thought I will always be the only one who knows, the only one who recieve protection and endearment, the only one who will stay for eternity. It feels natural to think so.
But, no. Even I am not allowed to stay for too long.
It is a safe place that belonged to everyone, seeking refuge over perplexions.
I know it won't be there forever for me either, I know it won't look only over me.
I don't want to go. I don't want my place there to be replaced.
What do I do if that safe place is only drifting further away each time I open my eyes after a night full of anxiety?
How I wish I could just take control over everything, including feelings.
I consciously hear a voice of resentment inside my head, which I swear I will never listen to. I do realize that sometimes I have a very sickening thoughts I better neglect than living with.
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Sunday, October 18, 2015
One Week Later
Sunday, October 18, 2015
That time when I was finally able to look at you in silence, there's so much going on in my head.
It's not that we're together since we were little. In fact, I barely even spend time with you although we were related. Probably because of our age, or our personality. Or probably it's a matter of chance. My memory was vague, I don't think I remember much.
I really wanted to know. What did you think of yourself? Did you think you were a burden? Did you think that everything in life is unfair?
There are so many intersections in life, aren't there? I wonder if you picked the wrong path. I wonder if you got into a dark alley and lost yourself. You lived at night after all, they said.
You see, sometimes we got lost. I'm sure everyone does. Once, I was.
Which is why, I somehow know and understand.
After we got lost, it's a Russian Roulette. People who are lucky enough will be found by someone, and then they will be saved. But there are times we are unlucky, yet I don't think it's the end of everything. We must fight, searching for the way out with all we got, searching for our very own light of hope which is in various form for each being. Rather than sitting there in the empty darkness full of doubts, why didn't you try to walk and find a ray of light? Yes, it's tough and it feels almost impossible to do so. But it's possible. I know I'm being selfish saying this as it's an easy thing, because I've been found. But before I was found, I was lost remember? I was in a dark alley once, and the first person who came to saved me wasn't immediately to be the right one either. I struggled, I cried, I searched for my way out and my ray of light, I've been through sleepless nights and weary heart. I was scared of life.
You too, just wanted to be found, weren't you? You were waiting for someone to save you, or you were hoping life could be more gentle. You were lonely, you were asking yourself what's wrong with you.
They say you loved philosophy books. You were trying to understand life, I suppose.
You are loved. You were not alone, if only you were care and brave enough to face the world.
You finally saw them, didn't you? Those faces which always worry about you, and those hearts which always safe a special place for you. You finally heard them, didn't you? Those voices which always secretly pray for you in sincerity.
It was hard for you, yes, but I wish you weren't that selfish. Literally, your life is yours, but no it never was because you have involved countelss people in it.
You can't just end it.
It's not that we're together since we were little. In fact, I barely even spend time with you although we were related. Probably because of our age, or our personality. Or probably it's a matter of chance. My memory was vague, I don't think I remember much.
I really wanted to know. What did you think of yourself? Did you think you were a burden? Did you think that everything in life is unfair?
There are so many intersections in life, aren't there? I wonder if you picked the wrong path. I wonder if you got into a dark alley and lost yourself. You lived at night after all, they said.
You see, sometimes we got lost. I'm sure everyone does. Once, I was.
Which is why, I somehow know and understand.
After we got lost, it's a Russian Roulette. People who are lucky enough will be found by someone, and then they will be saved. But there are times we are unlucky, yet I don't think it's the end of everything. We must fight, searching for the way out with all we got, searching for our very own light of hope which is in various form for each being. Rather than sitting there in the empty darkness full of doubts, why didn't you try to walk and find a ray of light? Yes, it's tough and it feels almost impossible to do so. But it's possible. I know I'm being selfish saying this as it's an easy thing, because I've been found. But before I was found, I was lost remember? I was in a dark alley once, and the first person who came to saved me wasn't immediately to be the right one either. I struggled, I cried, I searched for my way out and my ray of light, I've been through sleepless nights and weary heart. I was scared of life.
You too, just wanted to be found, weren't you? You were waiting for someone to save you, or you were hoping life could be more gentle. You were lonely, you were asking yourself what's wrong with you.
They say you loved philosophy books. You were trying to understand life, I suppose.
You are loved. You were not alone, if only you were care and brave enough to face the world.
You finally saw them, didn't you? Those faces which always worry about you, and those hearts which always safe a special place for you. You finally heard them, didn't you? Those voices which always secretly pray for you in sincerity.
It was hard for you, yes, but I wish you weren't that selfish. Literally, your life is yours, but no it never was because you have involved countelss people in it.
You can't just end it.
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